it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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