sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
