I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
