He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
