I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
