I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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