I'm so fucking centered right now
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
