Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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