Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
