Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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