I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
