i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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