Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
