So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you made out with another girl for some wings
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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