When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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