Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
