my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my poor anus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
