Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
