Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
