Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
