i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
