the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
