i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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