best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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