I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
