Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
