I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
