Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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