i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
