My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
