OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
