Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
