It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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