I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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