My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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