420 ftw
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
