what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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