My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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