The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
