I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's rum buckets o'clock
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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