Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
