Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
