I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
