There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
