Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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