I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
