It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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