my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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