Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
