I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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