why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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